Meike Schrut

Dream of a woman (12)

The fact that this older man laid his arm around him, he felt only when embarrassingly, then it amused him. Warily he pushed the arm of himself, got up and prepared for them both the breakfast.

He had taken a shower just very extensively, had shaved, and he was also to be followed of his inclination to smile mockingly at himself when Ralf stood in the door and said that he was sorry. “What around sky will.” “You must get the impression, with me something is not right.” “One can probably say and I am more and more of the opinion that it probably for To each other strive of our both identities neither reason gives, nor that now it is already right. If, however, you should wish it?” The other man shook the head, explained to him that he so needed him rather as he just now is: as a friend, colleague. “And you are sure, you have not become gay occasionally?” “Nice that you can tear about that jokes, I do not hope.
Not because I would have what against gays, some of my best friends are this, but my nature is not in such a way. I had laid the arm only around you because I wanted to try whether I could feel something else if I touched you.” “And do you have?” “Rather no, the cold has been almost intolerable, however, I was too tired to go to my own bed.” “I understand, then I am almost calmed.” You handled almost affectionately with each other, her hands touched over and over again, indiscernibly that feeling of the unconditional trust and the understanding for the situation of the other appeared.

This incident did not stand thus at all on her plan, she had already written to herself a sort of screenplay rightly how Ralf and Roffe should find to each other. And now this.

Their fury was indescribable, difficult to control, she stepped against walls, smashed mirror which were lying round without every sense. Tears also rolled to her out of sight, she also trembled because of fear what could become from her world. Around herself she had to have no fear, anticipated that her existence would still continue long. “I will probably have to separate them, because thus they should not find to each other, not as Nearly-lover.” And to calm them required other hours around himself by means of charms and then it caused that Roffe found itself in another scenery, in her cardboard town and Ralf. To this man who awoke most near days first of all without recollection of the last time with Roffe only was surprised, as untidy his flat was, she wasted provisionally little thought.

Roffe came to itself like after hard carried on drinking night and with the inspiration, he is by profession a social education worker and leading employee. When he saw full self-confidence in the mirror, he recognised in it Ralf, so she had been angry at this what had happened, only she had the power to let grow old him: 46 years old, now under certain circumstances a man might call himself very well still young and he did as he preferred just now rather to see himself than man, not only as a manlike being. Only one disturbed him in the apparently forced role: he had to talk something weird what turned out, however, bit by bit uncanny:

“An unknown power has seized there mine, I cannot recognise THEM clearly.” Power or a woman? It had to be a woman, the psychologist with whom he had only to appear found out this after other hours of the hypnosis therapy....

He ordered them to himself and this was already more for them than she might have wished it. And now this them was 38 years old, had always been in love in him, since she had seen him the first time. In addition she walked the long way to understand about what the visit could mean generally.

It was quite late, already end of work for the other employees.

Not so happily, almost carefully she took a seat and can be looked fairly long time of him, she looked round in the space. ”Has not changed splendidly as to me seems.” “You have also not changed incredible ones,” he flattered. She laughed something flattered and flirty. “Why am I here?” “You want this help for your son?” “Why not?” “I am not the only psychologist.” “Now, you are just no psychologist, because he has noticed, he can tell exactly those the blue about the sky down, bets, it has given pleasure to him to make fun of the man, so it brings nothing if he cannot talk honestly with a MAN by whom he is also taken seriously.” “Although he told me, you would have fallen in love with me?” “What children give at the age just thus from themselves.” “He has not certainly lied.” “Nevertheless, it is not for them at all about me,” she already contradicted that what would come, even perhaps, from him. Yes, moreover, she wanted to unnerve him.

And he was unnerved. “Then the looks were to me, so besides?” “May one not look at a nice man? Oh yes, better I say intelligent man, because a man should not be too nice.” “I am not also, the glasses does not wear to the fun.” “Looks were just not like, besides, but today, nevertheless, I also do not know what they think about me.” “I want to be only no together sealed figure for a gifted and clever woman, I also have feelings.” “I know, you are happy with woman and child.” So directly appealed, he became red, then said, however: “Yes, I have partnership problems which are not to be solved, also by the best media gate, but I do not think, they would not make this media gate, or?” “If the chance was offered, why not me.” Well hello, he thought amazed, I would not have expected this idiom. “May I put to the proof your talent?” 
“Certainly, however, it is my first Mediation generally.” “I am sure, we will do this, I am myself a media gate, can do so I there even nothing in addition, will deliver me to your hands.” There it was again, this excessive laughter which it did not like, also, therefore, her next sentences were pronounced without stress, almost menacingly, him warning, how he never heard to speak a person to him.

She shook the head, became serious. “This is not the sense of the Mediation, how do you know certainly, wanted you to put to the proof me whether have I forgotten what?” “Of course not, ”he said, although he was not sure there at all so. Their chill kind was partially played and confused him deeply. “When?” “Even today, with me and you at home?” “I call my friend that I come later.” This did them and then went with the boss of the club to him home where the other already waited.

“Before you say what, no, it is no new friend, she is a qualified therapist who can help perhaps to solve our problems.” “Then I bring only fast the child to our helpful neighbour.” While she spent to bring the child and oddly enough also a pocket with things for the child to the single neighbour, both waited a little bit uncertainly. “You have here a lovely flat, everybody 3.” “You want something to drink?” “Why not, but please you give me before fast still some sides paper, on it I write for her friend what has to do this now.” Regulations ordinarily existed somewhere by pressure and tacitly he passed to her exactly pressure which she wanted to have, besides, timidly he touched her hand, they became both all over red. She quickly laid pressure with regulations on the sitting room table, however, he was not able to let go her narrow hand, she briefly stroked, before he also sat down to the table.

Finally, his friend came again after a quarter of an hour and looked at the woman strangely.

“Yes, my occupation is to settle quarrel, has asked her man, he may talk with my son sometimes from man to man because it makes informally no sense that I agitate my son as he has to behave. As a countermove I help you and your man, because to create some problems from the world if you wish it expressly and also take part voluntarily.” She had to talk a certain kind which required no other discussion about sense or nonsense of the arbitration.

“And you do not want to come along to my man come on?” “First of all I have values of Mrs. Anjilade, a friend whom I love very much 2. If her partner is not interested in me and 3. If I am sure, with a little good will one can create any problems from the world. “How old are they then?” this question was put curiously and she answered: “38 years, becomes this year 39 if this is enough?” “I will see.”

“I suggest the following regulations: they both briefly score to me which problems should be mastered, have to go, of course one can still clear in the course of the conversation round what still has to go in. If is my personal kind to give you the possibility, to think once more about that after what has priority.” She waited in complete silence other 20 minutes, meanwhile it had become 22 o'clock. When she looked at the clock and he saw it, asked: ”If you have no more time, maybe the next days? Also to me this is very important.” “My friend has worked already longer, then he will get used to the fact that I am also away sometimes longer.”

She perused the wishes for regulation and introduced some common characteristics.

“Sexual problems.” “What is now the only problem?” “It does not work in the bed any more,” said the young woman bluntly on which he became quite pale and also might look at nobody, he knew, the problem was the first and probably also only what SHE interested. ”Now, they forget that he has an emotionally very exerting job which he also makes with pleasure.” “Too with pleasure for my concepts, he is on the move every 2nd week-end and on all days 18 o'clock at home when he has not inserted any layers voluntarily.” “It happens too often?” “Would become mine.” Now she let the man get a chance to speak. “I would not like to have overrated subject Bed and it is simply impossible for me to be able every 2nd day, I do not create at all, physically not, psychically also not.“ “At her age?“ “Are 46 years still young for them?” “One is so young as one feels. SEX every 2nd day can be for one not enough, for other too much. They have discussed apparently a little this matter? However, there should be pairs, there it does not work at all, nothing deals with the age.” “Clap by the way,” the young woman interfered almost roughly.”

You have power problems, nevertheless, for some time also, or crazily I me.” “Does not belong really here, ”he answered a little bit quietly and quite unhappily. “Have they thought about the visit with a specialist?” “I cannot imagine that it brings what.” “However, I can fancy very well, you disappear too with pleasure and with all kinds of excuses in the bedroom and I can see where I remain.” “If we could solve this serious problem, it would feel well, they simply make an appointment in this regard and then one can further discuss if they may.” He could not agree differently than than he drove them to her friend home, he said: ”Is sorry me if from me a wrong impression has originated.” “Have they thought, I hold them for a man who brings down his friend every day?” “So about.” “If you should need me again, phone call or e-mail would really bring it.”

And 2 weeks later he asked them for a 4-ocular conversation. Alone, this surprised them. His friend has gone away with child to the cure, he said and now she saw herself alone with him in his flat.

“What want you to talk with me about?” “About the day with the specialist.” Although a little bit embarrassed she agreed, she could not foresee how this would end. ”Well, they try it if they mean. Do they simply forget that I am also a woman, maybe this helps, they have informed of it already her friend?” “It is this, yes, I am not able to do it, she would certainly only injure.” “What?” He took a deep breath, then sat down in such a way that he did not have to look at them, tried to calm down and told and it a clutch became first of all back in the past:

“When we to us to identity-learnt, even the SEX had given pleasure, then she was sad when I could not hold hands because of an official thing constantly with the appointments in the pregnancy and was not present, unfortunately, also in the birth, this has injured them very much. I work a lot and also think that it is necessary, must take from me now and again also important acts with home that, besides, the intimate comes too briefly, I know. And if I come absolutely tiredly and ready in the week home, it is only offended if I liked to cuddle just, no strenuous sex marathon of maybe 3-4 hours, as long as she would want, of course with interruptions. But this time I cannot simply enjoy any more, it is too much and too long, this has also said her what she says, I should decrease sometimes, fat would already have begun, then this would also function. However, it is caused emotionally, I already go to bed with horror images, after a lot All around also is not to me on vacation any more because I can never switch off on vacation, also dung, but I cannot put aside my brain and allow to reinstate it differently programmed. Yes, I fail in the bed and this is the main cause for my friend, why our respect simply does not earn the title Respect any more.” “And for them?” “I cannot simply understand, why she can raise so little understanding for my work, she would have to deal particularly with the child enough and with her own work as an educator, I not even know whether I still love them.” “They want to say me what the specialist has done?” I have got undressed, then he has checked all functions anyhow, (here he paused because it started to become very disagreeable to him, nevertheless, - - his voice became more quietly more unsafe visibly) also under stress. I do not get honestly to relax with her together, they has become extremely irritating. I bet, we will have possibly sometime no more traffic.” Though he expressed himself vaguely as if he hopes for an improvement, indeed he was not also, clearly that he did not want to see to HER, besides, in the face.

“What do you expect now from me?” “You are a woman, help they me.” “I am no prostitute.” “To thus one I would also like to build up no new respect.” “You want.?” “Yes if you have nothing against it?” Though, this came too early for them, she asked halting for something to drink, only just none to strong alcoholic things, that would stand them not. This tip would have seemed to an unprincipled women's desecrator like a tip, but this was not he, fortunately, not even in thoughts. “Forgive, yes, I have forgotten to them what to offer.” And he hurried to prepare the called just everything. “Should I help you?” “How would it be if you call me for the moment Jean?” “Why not, my name is Jane.” (something reverberated in him, a strange recollection, he did not know how to arrange it, however.) “Nevertheless, fits anyhow quite excellently,” he laughed resounding, but anyhow inhibitedly. And the inhibited should also found itself. He concluded the door to the flat in such a way that his friend could not reach thus without next if it was just no cure?

In twos they drank coffee, tea, also juice, on liqueur he rather renounced. They sat close together, suddenly he seized her hand, it kissed passionately and because they already sat on the wide Coatch, they sat down both together side by side. The dim light, the referring Coatch all this invited, yes, as he admitted himself: to cheat his partner. You struck that he covered himself up fast and felt only under the cover for her slender body. When she wanted to touch him warily, she noticed how he cramped as if he was afraid of her. She easily stroked his hands, the wiry arms, then the upper part of the body and let go her hands like, besides, in the outsides of his legs along.

Yes, he had worry to fail also with this woman who took care now of him, he closed the eyes as him her hands on his unterbody felt, the hands rested only, did nothing at all and slowly gave way every fear of him. “If you want to have no SEX, we leave this.... “He took them even very affectionately in his arms, pressed them warily in himself as if he had fear to hurt her. Very well he felt how his body reacted almost automatically, but he did not penetrate into them, possibly passed there a pubic border for him to cheat the partner so fast.

The next day was Saturday, this knew apparently also the neighbour to whom his ex had always often gone. She rang and when he opened, she gave him silently a letter of his friend.

When he read this, he knew that she anticipated very well that he would separate from her and had just done this predictable step some days before, with the promise, the child he would be able to see any time.

2 days later...

Because he had some work in the office, this time he walked, after he had driven before the current partner to her home.

6 hours later he sat in unreal position at his office table. What he had had to find out shortly before: his child, his ex-partner had had an accident, both. Because it had just been his child, the police had tried it only with him at home, one had asked for it in his office, there whether he wants to see both dead people still the last time, however, it is better if he did not see this just any more. And he had resolved to keep both people, the long time so much for him to meant, living and on the photo in recollection. On the table the graphic recollection of 3 happy people: he, the child, his friend. Over and over again his eyes with tears filled. It had happened so much lately that he had learnt to love now only again anew, even if under very strange circumstances, was almost unreal. Nevertheless, laboriously he still tried to concentrate upon some acts. Today apparently his secretary planned also what better, than to enjoy at home free days, the door opened surprised to his office and asked: ”Is there there possibly something what I must have missed because you are there also?”

“No, quite well, you give up sometimes, I do not become any more long, only 2 sides.” Every word was difficult for him, this also heard the woman out. “Nevertheless, you have something, boss.” He made way to her concerned look. “I did not want to go yet so soon home, has found out only few hours ago that my child and the mother have had an accident in addition.” The secretary had to move up quite close to him because he became quieter and quieter. “If you agree, I call the psychologist, she should come immediately, you need this now certainly most urgently.” After some hesitating he agreed and his hesitating was entitled, each knew just this psychologist: very clever, could also listen very well without making notes to themselves and, nevertheless, seemed from the being emotionally cold, unapproachable, to reserved. One could imagine that she needed this, however, as a protection before the grief of other people, it struck too much. When just this woman came, he lay down, he might not see to her in the eyes. He wanted a lot rather a person in whose breast he could weep, like D.D. in his film “Back to you”, but at the moment this was Somebody not there. “Say me quietly everything what loads you.” He swallowed the tears which wanted to come out and everything told almost monotonously, besides, got in a dangerous mistake: he left the reality, was sudden again in the dream wish world, but still before the moment when the child was there, they still on women's ward in the gynaecological clinic, waiting on the birth of the child. When he still saw for the clock and said, now he has to go to his friend to whom her child would soon give birth, this was a warning signal that particularly now with him what was not right any more. However, the psychologist nodded when he had left the space and then walked across fast to the secretary.

“Drive me please to the parking bay of the gynaecological clinic, he will appear there because he has so edged out the reality and haunts the past.” She said the secretary only so much as she could answer before herself.

She could keep the unhappy just still from entering the clinic, said: ”You will not find you here any more.” He broke down in her arms and the secretary and the psychologist brought him to his friend who also had by chance readiness. This ascertained a hardly psychic shock. The secretary knew only one way out. Because she lived alone, she allowed to bring him in her flat, the doctor took care of him. “Can we let know somebody?” “The colleagues were like a family for him, however, there was since newest a woman who must have worshipped him, while he neglected his friend, here he worked and consulted with us and helped the new woman.” She said this everything very drily. “You mean, there could have developed more?” “I do not know it, can be, I can call them if it is wished.” And: this new young woman came immediately, made way to the looks of all persons present, felt almost jointly guilty in the death of the child mother and the child, although the of course nonsense was.

Before his eyes coloured squiggles danced up and down and it roared in his ears, the voices increased to an immense droning, but the sense did not penetrate up to him. He tried to penetrate for a while of sighted eye an unreal fog when he recognised the futility, he pressed the head in the cushion, held the hands before the face. He could not sleep. “Marie.” Over and over again he quietly whispered the name of his dead daughter. “Why only.” He tried to leave the bed, was not able to do it, his head was pressed over and over again in the cushion, was determined easily, however....

Up to here SHE had pursued the scenery, then had decided that he should just come from this imagination nightmare directly with her again to himself what happened also immediately. Crustily he asked: ”Are you contented with that what you could see? Question me only, how it is possible that you can think up such cruelty. Every other man.” “Becomes better and better: They keep for a man not for a manlike being?” “I edge out rather that I can just be no right man or become his. I am sorry for Ralf, he.” “You can get any time again contact with him, only this kind of the notification: do you think that is the true?” “For a person in his situation certainly.” “Now in which situation he should be then?” She leant back with interest.


All rights belong to its author. It was published on by demand of Meike Schrut.
Published on on 22.10.2009.


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